Best Boyfriend, Pizza Band Member, #1 Bill Goldberg Fan, Voted "3rd Most Likely To Be President From the Cast of Home Alone 2", and best of all: Dakota's Dad.

Heading to the corner
Joined March 2011
Fun fact: Betty White outlived my dog. Big love, Betty. RIP. Also, say hi to Freckles for me.
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Hey y'all. Just a heads up since I've been getting this question a lot today: I am NOT in the new Home Alone reboot. I wish all involved the best of luck though.
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Like a fine bottle of worcester sauce we all get better with age. With that in mind here's your yearly reminder that time does indeed march onward: I'm 41 years old. I hope you enjoy every passing year as much as I do. We're not getting older, we're just getting saucier.
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Also, there seems to be a super handsome, middle-aged dude on this season of American Horror Story. If I were you I'd totally check him out.
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Merry Christmas, everyone. Seen any good movies lately?
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"Excellent" movies... I meant excellent movies.
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Just staying Covid-safe wearing by the flayed skin of my younger self. Don't forget to wear your masks, kids.
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Hey guys, wanna feel old? I'm 40. You're welcome.
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It's my gift to the world: I make people feel old. I'm no longer a kid, that's my job.
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Since I'm 40 I think it's about time to start my midlife crisis. I'm thinking of picking up surfing. Do you all have any suggestions?
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Do any of you have photoshop skill? Can you put my head on a surfer so I can get an idea of how cool I'd look?
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Sup J-holes, Check this out: ticketweb.com/event/macaulay… I'll be there if you want to check out my sweet quarantine beard. I'll be messing around with my brother Rory and friends. It should be a ball and a biscuit. Help out my peeps at @eastvillecomedy. Good times abound.
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After deep contemplation, conversations with my friends and family, and cruising wikipedia for past couple of days I've decided to officially forgo my college eligibility and declare for the 2020 Harlem Globetrotters draft. @Globies #thisisreal
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I'd like to thank my coaches, mentors, and @Arbys for all their love and support over the years.
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I know it's hard to believe but it's true: I won't be playing college basketball going forward. Thanks for your love support.
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On this date, exactly 35 years ago, one of the best movies ever made was released. So in honor of that let's all watch 'The Last Dragon' while we're quarantined. That includes you, @redlettermedia. Mike too... Especially Mike. #shonuff
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I just woke up and saw I was trending. Can someone explain what's going on? Did I die again??
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Wow, this guy looks just like me! Would you all mind picking up a copy of this month's @Esquire so we can get to the bottom of this mystery? Check it out now at esquire.com/mack
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